31 Aug 2015
Regular readers will know I’m not a great cook. Alas my children cannot live on mars bars alone (though they’d give it a damn good try) so a lack of culinary enthusiasm notwithstanding, I have to prepare food on a near daily basis.
It’s a hit and miss affair, with some dishes turning out surprisingly well and others causing the kids to reach for the Food Standard Agency Emergency Hotline, but we are all still alive, so I’m taking that as a win.
One of the things that is true about my food, however, is that it is served on plates. Ok I’ll admit to eating cold baked beans from the tin (I was drunk and hungry, so judge me,) but on the whole, it’s plates every time.
Plates are, you see, a perfect invention. Food stays on the flat bit, and if you fork too enthusiastically, then in all but the most vigorous of cases, it is prevented from shooting across the room by the rim. A plate does exactly what it needs to do. No need for design development, not a work in progress, no need for Plate 2.0, in beta, shortly to be released. Sorted.
That being the case, I am confused by the number of establishments recently frequented that are determined to serve me food on anything but a plate. In the last three weeks I have eaten from a slate tile, a small tin bucket, and what was basically a fancy cardboard box (no, it wasn’t a happy meal).
None of these faux plates was adequate. Food slid around the slate before oozing off the edges and dribbling onto the table. The tiny bucket only held about five chips, and the cardboard did what cardboard does when it gets hot and wet. YUM. Despite this, each dish was presented with a flourish designed to make me think the food would be even more super delicious than usual, given its ‘creative’ presentation.
Equally irritating was a recent attempt to snazz up my Long Island Iced Tea by serving it in a jam jar. Had this been a genuine attempt at recycling I might have been pleased, but I’m pretty sure they went through an extensive design process, rather than polishing off the Bonne Maman Strawberry and giving the pot a quick rinse. It just tasted like a Long Island Iced Tea – but I had to pay more for it, presumably to cover the cost of that expensive design team. Since I have a cupboard full of empty jars at home, this seemed like rather an affront.
While we are on the subject can I just make a point about cake? Put it on a plate, and hand me the napkin. Don’t put the napkin on the plate and then put the sponge slice on the top. If you put the creamy jammy thing on top of the item used to mop up creamy jammy messes then you sort of miss the point. All you get is an irritated, sticky customer with fluff in their frangipani.
Look – don’t get me wrong. I’m not against beautiful design, or elegant serving. It’s just that once food is served, however spectacularly, it actually has to be eaten, and if the receptacle upon which you place the grub causes dribbles, spillage, sogginess, it’s going to irritate your customer.
