It’s January. 

The lethal combination of lack of funds (it’s a loooooong month), not eating out (one too many mince pies for my skinny jeans) and exhaustion from the party season mean that I am to be found slumped on the sofa, trying not to make eye contact with the left over festive chocolates, and bemoaning the state of post-Christmas television.

And then the adverts come on, and I am overtaken by a familiar feeling of rage.  It’s one of those dating websites, the one when a female barely out of childhood wanders into a record shop and falls in love with a hairy bloke playing the guitar because they both know the words to the same song.  The advert is of course absurd, not least because she is prepubescent, and thus incapable of recognising vinyl.  And it was this exact sentence that I bellowed at the television, before looking around and realising I was alone in a room, shouting at a screen. 

You see I have turned into one of those grumpy old women, incensed by all things absurd.  I no longer have the optimism of youth.  I cannot simply let things pass, nor do I want to “chill out”.  Any minute now I shall morph into Ann Widdecombe, and my humiliation will be complete.  But I no longer care.  These things are deeply and profoundly annoying.  And it’s not just adverts.  Here’s my list of the top ten things to yell at in 2013:

1. Adverts for anti-aging products using models that have yet to leave their twenties. If I see one more teenager pouting about frown lines I will personally see to it that she does not reach the age when frown lines actually appear.

2. People who beep at me the second the traffic lights turn green, before I’ve even had time to put the car into gear.

3. Bad grammar, spelling and punctuation, along with made up words from the yoof of today (“sick” means unwell, ok?)

4. New clothes with rebellious buttons. You know the ones. The second you bring brand new and expensive items home the buttons fling themselves to the floor, and make a bid for freedom.

5. Putting words together to make another word. We do not need to do this. We are not German. If you have time only to say “SuBo” and not “Susan Boyle” then you are a busy fool.  Stop it at once.

6. Inanimate objects that will not do as they are told, form opinions, and fight back at the last moment. If I want you to plug in at the wall, you may not, YOU MAY NOT decide that you don’t fit, have the wrong sized slot for the charger, or have a lead that will not stretch the required distance.

7. Shop assistants who do not assist. The clue is in the title.

8. Being referred to as “love” by anyone who does not, in fact, love me.

9. Technology that does not do as it is told. The printer is next to the computer. Right next to it. On the same desk. I put them together deliberately so that they could become friends.  It is therefore unacceptable to be told by the computer that it cannot locate said printer. It’s right there. RIGHT. THERE.

10. Men who cannot hear (unless you whisper something about blow jobs) or yell at me to find objects they seek in a cupboard in which they are currently looking.

We women of taste, judgement and manners are subjected to a daily torrent of irritants that add up to a fist full of pills before you can say “dangerously high blood pressure”.  I can no longer stem the rising tide of ranting.  It is, I suppose, one of things one accepts with age?

Grrrrrrrrr.