If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook you might have noticed that this week I have been ill

I’d like to portray myself as a delicate and swooning flower, carried to my bed in high fever by muscled and doting lovers.  In truth I have been a foul tempered, snot filled bitch, who was ordered to her room to recover and leave the rest of humanity in peace.  I know, I know.  Hard to believe.  But it’s true.  I loathe being confined to bed, because it is just so dull but I have recently discovered that this can be alleviated by what is now one of my favourite pastimes – finding absurd stuff to buy on the internet.  Enjoy:

Fancy buying a little treat for the kids?  Try this Owl Puke reconstruction kit.  A box of barf they can rummage through until they find enough bones to rebuild the thing that vomited up their present in the first place. I kid you not.

How about accessorising your living room with a life-sized cardboard cut-out of Dave Cameron?  I mean, who wouldn’t want one of these loitering around the house on a daily basis?  Alas it doesn’t come with a free Nick Clegg shoved up its arse, but one is available separately if you want to complete the look. (Please do read the customer reviews of this product. Superb.): David Cameron

Speaking of w*nkers (sorry, still a bit foul-tempered) here’s a product that must surely win its inventor an award for creating something that just doesn’t need to exist.  Last I heard, boys had no trouble putting their hands around their old chaps, leading one to question who on earth needs soap in this shape (although I am tempted to buy it just to see what they consider a “normal” circumference to be):  Weener Cleaner

If you’re struggling to stick to your diet this January, how about a visual reminder of those lumps of fat you’re trying to shift.  Pop in your bag every time you go out for lunch. YUM:  One Pound of Fat

Last, but by no means least, is this cunning ruse for making sure that no one spots you have fallen off the wagon this January.  It may be unacceptable to whip a bottle of wine out of your handbag and swig it during dinner, but no one will notice if you whip out one of these babies and start sucking……Smuggle your Booze

See you all next week!