26 Oct 2014
I’ve tried drugs, herbal remedies, changing my diet and hypnotherapy but nothing seems to work. Since I’m unable to combat the problem, I’ve decided to reframe it. Look on the bright side, as it were. So here is my list of the 10 perks of chronic insomnia:
1. I have lots of extra time when all you normal people are sleeping to hoover, read a book, write a book, catch up on admin and practice my killer piano skills. My neighbours love me.
2. If I haven’t slept for several nights in a row I start to hallucinate, which saves me a fortune on magic mushrooms, methamphetamine and LSD, as well as preventing me from turning into an extra from Breaking Bad. Yeah Bitch.
3. There is time to give serious thought to stuff that is otherwise neglected, and really shouldn’t be, like reciting the alphabet backwards, tossing my hat across the room so it lands on top of the wardrobe, and calculating the nth digit of pi. I feel confident that one day I will be able to put these skills proudly on my C.V. and persuade an employer that they are not just useful but irreplaceable.
4. After three nights of no sleep, I walk through most of my day like a zombie, cannot focus, and am fiercely moody. The perfect way to save money on Halloween costumes at this time of year.
5. At times of stress I am likely to act like I am a bit high: all giggly and babbly whilst convinced that every last word I say makes perfect sense. This makes me an awesome flirt. Honest.
6. My total lack of energy creates some size large sugar cravings. I can cram my gob with a fridge full of leftovers with the kind of speed that makes the Tasmanian Devil look like a fussy eater. Whilst inelegant, I will never go hungry. And if I ate half your food too? Well, you snooze you lose kiddo.
7. Not sleeping ruins my immune system, meaning any germ that enters my house sees little point in pestering my kids and goes straight for the weakest link. Since this is the only way I keep my kids healthy, I consider it to be a key part of my parenting. Taking one for the team, if you will. Go Mamma.
8. I don’t sleep, so I don’t get morning breath. What’s not to like?
9. I have made absolutely no pension provision for my old age, which I would ordinarily be worried about. However since lack of sleep over a long period has been shown to reduce your lifespan, I am right off the hook on that one. Phew.
10. There were ten perks. I have no functioning short term memory when I’m tired. There totally were ten perks. This is the tenth one. You know the one that comes after nine? Which is like, you know, the one about…..zzzzzzzzzz…………
