Author: Liz Dawes
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The Body Image Nazis (BINs – ha!) would have me believe that just being human is cause for constant worry

Thou shalt not have hairy legs or arm pits. Boobs must look perky regardless of kids and/or advancing years.  A thigh gap is the latest must-have female absence.  Eyebrows are shaped, Botox ain’t optional and anything resembling a moustache is a no-no.  Then there’s cellulite, dry skin, crow’s feet, old hands, age spots, saggy knees and bingo wings.  Fix them immediately!  If you’re already a gibbering wreck, buck up and get some stiff fur-free upper lip!

Then, just when I thought I had it covered, This Morning trumped them all. Apparently, if our downstairs is too dry and/or saggy for the man of our dreams, he’ll Never. Look. At. Us. Again.  If you think your nether regions are simply age-appropriate, then think again Grandma.  That attitude ain’t gonna get you the perky pink privates we suddenly, desperately need.

Luckily for us dating expert Lisa Palmer has come up with “The Vajacial” – yes, you read that right – an actual facial for your Bits; designed to restore us all to moist and plump perfection; developed through trial and error on her own perfect peach, so we can all benefit.

So enamoured were some viewers with the idea, they tried it on live TV. Despite the fact we were eating breakfast at the time, these women were stripped and steamed, then smeared in a mixture of honey, egg white and coconut derivatives.  One can only hope none of them sat anywhere too warm and ended up with a cake.

As it happens, all three testers said they liked the results, but this rather misses the point.

Caitlin Moran has a test for this sort of nonsense, so often perpetrated on women when it comes to their appearance: “Are the men worrying about this as well?” (For themselves, it should be said.  Not for us).  So, I have to wonder: are they similarly worried about their privates?  Are there legions of men sitting at home, smearing their sacks with the contents of their larder, convinced a sagging scrotum is the only reason they’re not happily wed?  I suspect not.

Now, there is nothing wrong with making the most of your mush, or giving nature a helping hand.  I’m all for healthy skin and a flash of colour.  Where I draw the line is at the suggestion that our bodies, ageing as nature intended, are sources of shame – never mind all that steaming and smearing over breakfast.  Furthermore, there is not a man on this planet who, butt-naked and on a promise, will suddenly decide that what he beholds is not quite right, and leave the room.  NOT ONE.  They are men.  They want sex.  So do you.  At this particular moment, you need a vajacial like a fish needs a bicycle.

Save your cash, and your cake mix.  You could, quite frankly, be wearing flippers and a snorkel.  He’s still going in.