15 Jun 2015
Last weekend I found a note on the mat that had dropped through the letterbox. In big angry block capitals were the words: “Your dogs woke me up at 4am. Barking again. Thanks.”
Had there even been the slightest feasibility of truth, I might (possibly) have felt a twinge of contrition. However, here’s the thing: despite best efforts (honest) to relegate them to the kitchen, the aforementioned canines sleep on my bed, so I’m pretty sure I would have heard them if they’d barked at that hour. I suspect the note-writers got the wrong door.
The thing is, whatever the situation, passive-aggressive acts like this are, in fact, pointless. They do not help build understanding or resolve an issue. They are simply a way of being, then staying, exceedingly cross, without fear that the object of your fury might be able to apologise, explain or do anything else constructive. Some people just want to have a jolly good tantrum. I await further missives concerning my poor parking and loud children.
When I mentioned my plight to friends, it became apparent that many neighbours leave something to be desired. Further research revealed that over 100,000 homes a year are sold in order to escape a human irritant in close proximity. So, what exactly are they up to? My research came back with quite a variety:
The antisocial unofficials: “Our next door neighbour sub-let his council flat to someone that has lots of drunk people back from the pub on a regular basis, one of whom head-butted his girlfriend in the face”. Lovely.
The relentless barbecuers: “When my son was little, our neighbours had very loud barbeques on Saturday evenings, and threw fag butts over the fence. I enjoyed collecting them then ringing their bell to return them at 6am on Sunday morning. They moved away. To be fair, I was sleep-deprived so probably a little deranged”
Or how about the, ahem, dawn chorus? My mate Hatty has recently moved to a terraced house, so it’s taken time to get used to having neighbours. What she can’t get used to is the incredibly loud Sunday morning sex – not because of the sex per se, but because she is convinced the woman is faking it. “It’s the theatrical panting and squealing” she explained. “It’s the same routine every time”. The mind boggles.
On the other hand, it seems not everyone is getting it quite as much, but can still make a racket. Boyfriend’s sister had a neighbour who would periodically and joyfully scream “I HAD SEX!” out of the window. She politely describes him as a “very informative young man”.
Another friend describes her carnally challenged neighbours thus: “About 6 months ago, my neighbour acquired a rather shrill girlfriend. Cue lots of (shrill) sex, usually at 6.30am. Now she’s moved in and the sex has stopped. Instead I hear her shrieking at him to “pick up his f***ing dirty washing” before she “f***ing chucks it”. LOL.
Ahhh those heady early days of love. It’s hard to decide which of those, um, aural assaults is preferable. Snigger.
