Readers will recall my mid-life crisis began with this and progressed to this

I then signed up for the next level of pole dancing (intermediate) and dyed my hair even more red (practically cherry), so you’d be forgiven for thinking that the worst of my behaviour might finally be over.

Last night, however, whilst out drinking with friends, a woman walked past me. She had a small humming bird tattooed on her shoulder and before I knew it, I could think of nothing else but getting inked.

Now, the world divides into those who think that tattoos can be beautiful works of art, and those who think they are a no more than a tramp stamp.  My own view is that done well, they’re great.  My problem is that I don’t know what to get.  I think we can rule out an anchor on my bicep or “love” and “hate” on my knuckles, but that still leaves a bewildering number of possibilities. 

I don’t want anything too girly, I’m definitely not religious, and I tend to think that witty slogans should be heard from your lips, not read from your buttocks.  I also think that script from cultures that are not your own are a little pretentious and potentially mirth-inducing if your tattooist has a particularly warped sense of humour.  Imagine ‘I am a wazzock’ in Mandarin.  Even Slebs are not immune: David Beckham may have the bod from god, but he cannot fool me into thinking he is more erudite by smothering himself in languages he cannot locate on a map, much less actually read.

Then there’s location.  A friend of mine was considering having her children’s names adorning her shoulder blades, until her partner pointed out that if they were to “do it like they do on the discovery channel”(if you get my drift) the last thing he wanted staring back at him was the names of his step-children.

I’m also not keen on a bird’s leg peeking out from a bra strap or half a love heart showing above my waistband, so we’re talking something small enough to be either permanently on display or completely covered by normal clothes.

Whatever and wherever it’s going to be, it will live with me forever so I’d better get it right (yes I know you can have them removed but it’s painful and expensive and not always reliable).  It would be a real shame if I ended up hating it.  Or as this gentleman put it: