I love this time of year. I know it’s gaudy and commercial but I can’t help it. I LOVE it
The kids get spoiled, the house gets over decorated and we all eat far too much chocolate. But despite the general state of excitement, it’s a busy time of year that can easily become stressful. In order to prevent this from happening, here are my rules for a fabulous fun-filled Christmas:
- If the turkey doesn’t make it to the oven at 08.00am precisely or the wrapping paper isn’t perfectly creased, I have a secret that I’m about to share. Ready? Nothing Bad Will Happen. I know - amazeballs or what! Turns out it’s only Christmas. You are not organising a G8 summit.
- Unless you are reading this dressed in massive hot pants and a magic gold rope, you are not Wonder Woman, and can only do so much. If you failed to crochet your own mince pies or craft a tree from recycled cards and double-sided sticky tape, you are allowed to buy them from the shops without feeling guilty. Kirstie Allsopp may think otherwise, but she’s the devil’s own spawn. (By the way, if you are reading this dressed in massive hot pants and a magic gold rope, you have other stuff to deal with and probably shouldn’t be fretting about Yuletide. Just saying.)
- If you have relatives coming round, especially those relatives, it’s wise to fortify yourself with alcohol. If you drink so much that you end up in a massive fight, just make sure it’s a good one, so that they still hate you this time next year. That way you won’t have to put up with them loafing about your place during the festive season, stuffing their faces and buying you cheap crappy gifts. Ho ho ho.
- It’s never too early for wine o’ clock (see number 3 above).
- Egg Nog tastes 60% better if drunk when wearing a Christmas jumper, socks and/or flashing earrings, although you will look like a bit of an idiot, so make sure you drink lots of it until you no longer care.
- No matter how festive you are feeling, it’s simply not possible for a grown adult to look cute in a reindeer onesie.
- If you have purchased any of the following items for the woman in your life, please expect to be beaten around the head with them before Boxing Day: hoover, iron, kettle, mop, feather duster, (or similar).
- You should put the Queen’s speech on the telly, but no one really expects you to listen. I’m pretty sure none of her family will.
- Drunkenness is no excuse for telling the kids that Santa Claus isn’t real – especially if you are wearing a Santa Claus costume.
- DO NOT fall for this phrase from your better half: “Let’s just get each other one small present this year. It’s the thought that counts, and Christmas is far too commercial”. If you have fallen for this, there’s still time to correct this most school boy of errors. Do it now.